Posted by: jeanne | October 16, 2008

whatever, god

bless her heart, the administrator dug around on the roster and came up with most of a month right before xmas. and i had to turn it down because that’s my busiest month, with dreaded family involvement and general overwork and stress maximums.

it’d be the ideal time and place to escape from family entanglements. i know what i’d do there. i’d write the first draft of ‘train wreck, the wrath of mom’, holed up in complete darkness with the rain and wthe wind howling outside my door and the fire stuffed with peat and coal and a stack of empty guinness bottles behind the easel. my plan to paint the view outside the door would be for nought because i wouldn’t be able to pry the door open without losing it to the breeze.

no, early fall is when i have the freedom to go off and do art, so she’s checking for me.

it’s hard not to anticipate the time. as a rule, i try not to anticipate, because it diminishes the quality of the time that’s passing while i’m busy anticipating. but i get a squingy feeling in my stomach when i think of it.

tickets. provisions. supplies. security. customs. ugh. all the preparation, the hauling, the packing, the arranging, the list of numbers to leave with jim. iare there easels, can i mount things on the walls, how far is the nearest pub and shops, where’s there an internet cafe?

it’s over a year away, an i’m already stressed out.

see, after the last time i went anywhere at all and was really sorry i did, jim and i have been reaffirming that i don’t really want to go away from home for a long period of time, because ‘m just not up to the stress of abrupt change. and here comes an acceptance letter, to a place i’ve always wanted to return to (because i don’t do residencies anymore) so long after i’d applied that i wondered why they’d never contacted me with a polite fuckoff, and now this fat envelope and oooh they’ll let me come, and exactly half of me jumps at the chance, and the other half says i’m not going anywhere, i need to lie down now.

everything’s up in the air at this moment. i know i’m going (provided things like money are available) but not exactly when or for how long, or how long to take on both sides of the residency to see people and get things done and recover from abrupt change. just today jim recieved notice of a society of egg tempera painters conference at the same time, in santa fe, that he’s making plans to go to. thiis sometime in mid october of next year. and to add to the flavor, a painting we think he has a chance in hell of getting accepted was entered into the smithsonian’s national portrait biennial, if it were to be accepted, would open in late october of next year.

so when the residency woman came back and offered me a nice stretch in october, i was forced to query her for something earlier, because i might could be wanting to go to santa fe then, and i might be needed in washington dc then.

what do they say about the bird in the hand?

i don’t like uncertainty, but what is life but change? so i’m leaving everything up in the ai at the moment. what god wants, she takes.

when i was younger i made a lot of prayers and wishes for things to come into my life. and i always got what i wished and prayed for. but it always took way long, and by the time it came to pass i was over it and had moved on.

so finally i learned to not ask. i would say, ‘whatever, god.’ because whatever i’m supposed to have, whatever’s best for me, that’s what i want.

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